These unthinkable questions were confronted by Renny Cushing, whose father, Robert, was violently murdered in his home in 1988, and David Kaczynski, whose brother, Ted, was arrested by the FBI in 1996, accused as the Unabomber responsible for a series of bombings that caused three deaths and numerous injuries over 17 years.

During a webinar I recently recorded with Renny and David, they discussed how they have used their experiences to help people in similar situations. In the shadow of the January shootings in Tucson, Ariz., where Jared Lee Loughner opened fire on a town hall meeting hosted by Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, these topics have once again become newsworthy. As Renny and David told the New York Times, the families of Loughner and his victims are now asking the unanswerable questions: why, how, could it have been prevented, and what do I do now?

Renny shared with me how during the trial against his father’s accused killer, he was surprised to discover that his family and the murder’s family had more in common than he would have expected. Both men had lost their fathers as a result of the violent act: his was dead, but the son’s was in prison. Renny felt that imposing the death penalty on his father’s killer would not right the wrong of his father’s death, and would only bring further suffering to another family.

David told me of his efforts to reach out to Ted’s victims to apologize for his brother’s actions, and how he was met with varying responses. His efforts were met with compassion from unlikely sources, including several of those harmed by Ted and members of Renny’s organization, Murder Victims’ Families for Human Rights.

Whatever losses you are facing — death of a loved one, health and medical stability, personal safety, or otherwise — I encourage you to watch this hour-long webinar. Their stories, while unique, are applicable to any situation where someone has lost something of value.

For More Information:

David Kaczynski’s Blog

David Kaczynski’s Website

Murder Victims’ Families for Human Rights.

No Silence, No Shame Project

David, as you may know, is the brother of Ted Kaczynski, known as the Unabomber. As part of his healing process, David not only reached out to Ted’s victims to apologize for Ted’s actions, but also began to write poetry. He has recently published a book of these remarkable poems, A Dream Named You. During the Nov. 3 webinar, David and I spoke about his story and how creative expression is vital in coming to accept your altered life when it changes in terrible, unexpected ways, whether that is because of violence, chronic illness, death, or other situations.

Rather than telling you about the webinar myself, I’d like to share the message that photographer Ann Fantauzzi, who was one of our guests during our first webinar, sent me after the meeting. She captured this remarkable meeting extremely well.

“The discussion touched me personally as I felt my season of trauma and loss with losing not only my brother, but of the finality of family and being a mid-life orphan. Yet I was to enter the ultimate period of creativity, risk taking, and ambiguity. David said he felt he was the only one going through the feelings he had and I did too — even to this day sometimes.

“I listened to the webinar a second time and found I was emotionally drawn in and tearful as he spoke, and the discussion wound through ideas of recreating yourself. David’s struggle was personal in a way I can’t describe. I will probably listen to it at least one more time as I feel this was the best webinar yet dealing with the subject. I am really understanding all the concepts more fully and personally now and how they pertain to me. I think it is a struggle I am deeply involved in and his session and words brought it home to me clearly.”

I hope that you’ll also take the time to view the webinar because I think you’ll also gain tremendous insight from David’s story that you can bring to your own life. And please let me know how this affects you, either in the comments below, or by e-mailing me privately.

Through his life and his work, David has sought solutions to human problems through understanding and compassion as opposed to violence and coercion. His story touches on the things we must learn and the balances we must achieve to develop meaning out of trauma and suffering, and to keep our sense of humanity alive through adversity and crisis.

In 1996, David, a social worker living in Schenectady, N.Y., had no idea the Unabomber could be the brother with whom he shared a bedroom growing up in Chicago. But when newspapers printed the Unabomber’s “manifesto,” David and his wife, Linda Patrik, recognized similarities to Ted’s ideas. David faced an almost unimaginable dilemma – he could turn in his brother knowing that he might be executed, or he could do nothing, knowing more innocent people could be harmed.

David chose the path of life by taking steps to stop the violence. His actions led FBI agents to the cabin in the Montana woods where Ted had been building bombs. Despite Ted’s history of mental illness, federal prosecutors sought the death penalty. It was only through the work of highly-skilled lawyers – an advantage often denied others facing capital prosecutions – that Ted was allowed to plead guilty and is now serving a life sentence in a federal penitentiary in Colorado.

After helping turning in his brother in 1996, David sought healing from his experiences by reaching out to Ted’s victims to apologize for his brother’s actions. He also began writing poetry as a creative outlet for his grief. During the webinar, he will discuss how creativity has played an important role in his recovery from trauma and loss and his decision to use his experiences to help others.

The CRAIC group meets periodically as a safe environment for sharing and getting feedback on artistic expression, and for learning to use creativity to develop a healthy response to chronic illness. There is no charge for participating, but you must register in advance.

In February, David and I spoke to the good people at the Mental Health Alternatives to Solitary Confinement Coalition, meeting at the Urban Justice League in New York City. This group is working to gain appropriate psychiatric care for inmates with severe mental illnesses. We talked about how the Fennell Four-Phase Model (FFPM) can describe the universe of trauma that emerges from violence and crime.

When we talk about violence, we naturally think about the victim’s experience of trauma — how is that person coping with what has been done to him or her? However, for the good of our community, we need to recognize that violence and crime can cause trauma in all parties involved in a crime — the victim, of course, but also family and close friends, but also the perpetrator, his family and friends, and even the law enforcement community which is trying to bring justice to the situation. For example, families of perpetrators are frequently traumatized by the impact of what their loved one has done to harm another. In addition, many criminals have been victims of trauma before they turn to violence.

FFPM describes the phases that any of these parties experience due to long-term trauma. It doesn’t pass judgment on any of the parties – it is a values-neutral, systems-based approach that understands that trauma is painful for all parties in different ways. It acknowledges that trauma-related symptoms change over time and in response to different experiences and circumstances.

It recognizes that if trauma isn’t treated, it is likely to be repeated.

People who have long-term trauma go through four predictable phases. In Phase 1, Crisis, the person is trying to contain the urgency and focus on the things that are necessary to cope with day-to-day life. In Phase 2, Stabilization, the person is carving order out of chaos and developing new norms. In Phase 3, Resolution, the person establishes an authentic new self and develops a supportive, meaningful philosophy. And, in Phase 4, Integration, the person appreciates that the experience is part of his or her life, but not something that defines him or her.

Once we have assessed the person’s Phase we can implement targeted psychiatric, physical and behavioral treatments to help them progress to the next level on the pathway toward Integration. And, by continually assessing and taking into consideration the impact of life events on the experience of trauma, we can limit regression into earlier Phases during times of greater stress.

When we view crime in light of the long-term trauma and Phase model, we open the door to resolution and healing, and development of a safer, more just society.